Confusion...Love....

 Sometimes I have a very difficult time breaking down how I truly feel, into spoken words...but writing them down seems to help sometimes.
I have always wondered why it is so difficult for me to express my feelings. Even out on paper, & I think I have figured out why. Growing up in my family,  I was always shown through others to bottle up  feelings & not let them show, but let them sit & fester until it is this huge deal & this enormous explosion of emotions, take place, like a nuclear bomb of emotions was set off. So many emotions that you can't really pin point it to just one, but several.
 I have reached a point in my life where it is a bit easier for me, but still rather difficult on some things.  For example if someone is having a conversation about about an issue & they say they would like my input  I try very hard give it, but can't. It is not that I am scared or nervous it is just that my thought process almost doesn't want to work, and when asked a straight forward question, I go into in automatic reaction mode & completely switch off. It is quite infuriating.
There truly are days where I sit & ask God why He made me the way I am, because honestly it confuses me very much. To the point of anger. I am very emotional I always have been, I cry at the drop of a pin, I wear my heart on my sleeve, & if someone says BOO!! well watch out, someone just opened the flood gates of tears!! Oh dear...Well I am not as bad as I use to be but still, it is quite frustrating.
I suppose I just want to be more hard core, more of a rock, have more of a back bone...I have always envied ones who can stand up for themselves & not feel bad about it, & truly, I mean truly be themselves. I know that God made me this way, but I really just want God to show me how to embrace the true Olivia that has not really found herself completely yet. I feel like God has instilled something in me that I have not found yet, or a just completely blind to it. I know that there is a drive deep inside of me that I have not yet been able to grasp. Something, that is like an essence of doing something remarkable that I, myself never dreamed I could do. I am very excited for that day when I find what that is.
Like tonight 2 of my guy friends were discussing relationships, & they wanted me to put my input in on it & for some reason I couldn't. I really had things to say but could not bring it into words.
My feelings on relationships is that Dating is very stupid & not even worth the time. Honestly, it sets your heart up for a lot of hurt & complete tragedy. As a girl, (I know cause I have done this in the past) When a girl likes someone we put our whole heart into it because we truly long for that Love & that want cause we are built that way, ya know? but when you like someone you give a little piece of your heart away each time. I have met so many girls that have a new guy almost every time I talk to them & they come to me & tell me, "Liv, I just feel torn up over that last guy he tore my heart out & stomped on it, I gave him everything all of me & he stole it from me & didn't care, but this guy that I have now truly loves me." & the next week they are broken up & it is the same story every time...every time. It breaks my heart that girls in this generation are taught that they have to have a guy to love to find their self worth.
I believe that God truly has that someone out there for you, but dating is not the way it is intended to find them. "Find" I also think that is where many people go wrong "Oh I just haven't found my Prince Charming yet!" We weren't told to find anyone. I believe that we are called to wait & God will bring that someone even when we least expect it. I'l get girls saying "But how will I know?" here is the thing I think you will know it will just feel right, & you will have peace in your heart about it. It may not be butterflies, & all that lovey, dovey infatuation like you see in movies or stories, cause I believe that, that is not how it works. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are moments like that, but we can be very blind sometimes & get caught up in those moments & it is mostly just the infatuation. I want more than infatuation. I want the Love of God straight & smack dab in the middle of us where we are so completely & deeply in love with God that, God brings us together without even knowing it, or expecting it, & only at His timing, & by His Will. Love should never be rushed, it should never be forced but love should be aloud to grow. When it is done that way I have seen so any people blessed through it, & it is just a beautiful thing... beautiful.